Big Bad Blurb

So, I’m asked to write a one-sentence blurb about myself for my almost-favorite editor to end an upcoming Cookery Column piece in The Ozarks Mountaineer Magazine.

Apple pie

Anyone that knows me, knows I hate describing myself.  When asked, I invariably panic and think, ‘I’m just a Mom, and when the kids are grown I have no idea what I’ll be called!’  Then I’m pressed to think about the highlights of my character or career that I can include.  It turns out, the things that are important to me, aren’t all that fascinating to the editor.  He wants a little down-home twist.

A friend suggests,

“The Martha Stewart of the Ozarks – without the prison record”.

English: Martha Stewart at the Vanity Fair par...

I send off my little drabble that I hope will satisfy the savage beast.  Here’s what I got back in revision:

“Karen Nelson is a member of (local writers group)..who weaves and gardens.”

Okay, I weave – a little – but certainly not on the scale of calling myself a practicing weaver.  “Fiber Artist” would more delicately catch all the pies I have my fingers in.

But GARDENS????  Sweet Zebras, if any of my family saw that, I’d be laughed into next week.  My husband plowed over the garden plot and let the ducks have it, just so I wouldn’t kill anything else that depends on photosynthesis to survive.  He still brings up the death of his one and only house plant in the first year of our marriage.  Eighteen years, and “Robert” is still a sore subject.

Granted, I buy my happy little flowers in their pre-potted state, and faithfully water them throughout the season, but I have failed every single year to get even one of them to last through winter.  (And that’s in my toasty house with lots of sunshine, soft music, and sweet nothings whispered in its ear.)

But I digress.  The point here is to have a little commercial about yourself prepared for any moment, because if you don’t, some imaginative editor who clearly missed his calling in the fiction world (you know I love you) will slap some description on you that could seriously damage your reputation.

Oh, Martha.  Help me.

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